


SWAMPED

by laughingalonewithducks



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Major Spoilers, the shrek au this fandom deserves but not the one it needs right now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-22 13:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13765038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingalonewithducks/pseuds/laughingalonewithducks
Summary: "Merle, there's zombies in our swamp."





	1. PROLOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note: the 'graphic depictions of violence' tag does not refer to any actual fighting (or at least not a lot of it). it's just there because ya boi ducks got carried away with the dead people Once Again.

Rain shrouded the old castle, pounding through the gaps in the roof tiles and gushing out of the mouths of dilapidated gargoyles. Lightning danced among the rooftop spires, crackling around the topmost room of the impossibly tall tower that erupted from the centre of the castle, and casting eerie shadows upon the face of the necromancer within.

Forbidden runes glowed in magic circles, and foul magics filled the air as ropes of sickly pulsating light wrapped around a struggling figure in the centre of the room, bringing it to its knees.

The necromancer finished their dark incantation with a sharp clap and a thunderous _“By the power of Greyskull!”_

“I don’t think that’s a real spell,” Kravitz tried to say, but all that came out was a startled wheeze as his flesh withered away to dust in an instant and he collapsed into a neat pile of bones and moth-eaten wool.

* * *

 It was, once again, a beautiful day. Magnus sat on the porch and watched with a stupid, sappy grin on his face as Trevor gambolled around the yard, snapping at what were probably fish.

It wasn’t much - a step down from Duloc, he knew - but they’d made a home here. Things were good. Great, even-

“This is _hell,_ ” Taako said, waving his umbrella threateningly at one of the fish - which, upon closer inspection, was more like an unidentifiably eldritch swamp horror. “Why the _fuck_ do I listen to you?”

Merle waddled out from somewhere in the dingy depths of their house (hovel), holding three warm beers (swamp moonshine).

He silently offered one of the unlabelled bottles to Taako, who said “Hey, thanks,” and then poured the foul-smelling contents directly onto the ‘fish’ at his feet.

Magnus winced as it started to scream.

“Trevor likes it here,” he said, defensively.

“What?” said Taako. “No, he doesn’t.”

“I thought you _knew_ things about dogs,” Merle said, and knocked back his own bottle of horrible swamp ichor. “That’s guard behaviour, Magnus. He’s guarding us from the swamp things, who are trying to kill us, because this place is a shithole.”

“I-” Magnus began, but was cut off by a sickening _crack_ as Trevor picked up a ‘fish’ in his mouth and threw it against a rock.

“...Fine,” he conceded. “Fine, okay, it’s a bad place and this was a bad idea. But it’s not like we can go _back_.”

“Look,” Merle reasoned, “we knew this wouldn’t work out. No-one can out-stubborn Lucretia. She’s not giving in just ‘cos we _left._  We need to _really_ get to her- y’know, find her family, string ‘em up, maybe send some ransom notes or severed fingers-”

“Merle, my man,” Taako interrupted, “it’s not that I don’t _love_ how bloodthirsty you are, but we _are_ Lucretia’s family.”

“Huh,” Merle said. “She got a dog we can kidnap?”

Magnus swiped the third bottle of moonshine. “There’s no dogs in Duloc, _moron_ , that’s what this _whole walkout_ is about! Were you paying _any_ attention at _all?”_

“Nah.” Merle shrugged.


	2. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, blac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [magnus voice] **donkeh**

The doorbell _screamed_.

This was not particularly unusual in and of itself, since the doorbell was a swamp thing that Merle had tied to the front door and written ‘DOORBELL’ on in permanent marker, reasoning that if all the swamp things were good for was screaming then they might as well do something productive with it - but they lived in a swamp, well out of the way of any known civilisation, and the only person who ever needed the doorbell was Magnus, when he forgot his keys, and also forgot that he lived in a swamp hovel and didn’t _need_ keys, because the door was an unsteady plank of wood.

And Magnus was asleep on the futon next to Trevor.

Merle heaved himself off the couch and went to see what fresh new horror the swamp things had cooked up for them.

“Excuse me,” the man on the doorstep said, “but are you the missing department heads?”

There was a piece of rebar sticking out of his stomach, and another one through his head in a gruesome parody of the old arrow-in-head prank.

“We don’t want any,” Merle said, and shut the door in his face.

Taako stuck his head out of the bathroom as Merle made his way back to the couch.

“Who was _that_ _?_ ” he said.

“Some kid selling rebar.” Merle waved a hand dismissively. “He wasn’t very good at it.”

“He came all the way out _here_ to sell rebar?” Taako eyed him suspiciously. “Is ‘rebar’ a euphemism? Are you buying drugs?”

“No-”

“Are you _selling_ drugs? Is that what that ‘herb garden’ is about?”

“I- okay, first of all, that is _medicinal use only_ , and second of all-”

The doorbell screamed again. Someone banged on the pitiful bit of wood they called a door. Magnus lumbered past, wiping sleep from his eyes and muttering something unintelligible but probably violent. Taako and Merle trailed after him, intent on watching the show.

Magnus threw open the door, took a deep breath, and then froze.

The salesman from before was still there - still with the rebar in him - but now there was a donkey.

“Good morning, sirs!” the donkey chirped, at _entirely_ too loud a decibel for that time of morning.

“Donkey.” Magnus said blankly, still half-asleep and not up to processing anything more complex than breakfast.

“I sure am, sir,” said the donkey.

“I can’t die,” said the salesman. “And I’d really like to.”

Magnus shut the door in their faces, and went back to bed.

“Sirs?” the donkey said uncertainly, peering through a hole in the door. “Can you help us?”

“Go away,” Taako said, peering back at it. “I do transmutation, not… whatever the fuck happened to you two.”

“Oh, no,” said the donkey. “I’m not here for _me_. I’m here for _them_. The Director said you could help.”

“Lucretia said what?” said Merle, and then, “Hold on, _them?_ ”

“This is ridiculous,” said the salesman, and kicked their door over.

Taako shot him a nasty look and opened his mouth to deliver a scathing retort, and then he caught sight of what was on his front yard (the word ‘yard’, of course, being entirely technical in this case, since it was mostly disgusting swampland) and shut it again with a _snap._

“Merle,” he said. “Merle, there’s zombies in our swamp.”

Merle peered around Taako. “What kind of zombies?” he said. “Like, _Night of the Living Dead_ kinda zombies, or more like… _Warm Bodies_ type shit?”

“The dead kind,” Taako informed him, gesturing to the horde of _dead people_ camped out on their front lawn (again, a technicality). Several of them had gruesome wounds - spears in their gut, or gaping slits across their neck - but many more had wheelchairs and oxygen masks. Hospital patients, and nursing home inhabitants.

“Well, shit,” said Merle. “You said something about Lucretia, kid?”

The donkey bobbed its head enthusiastically. “That’s right, sir! And she told me to tell you she’d let you have Trevor if you fixed this!”

“ _She said what?_ ” Magnus bellowed from deep within the house.

“You heard it!” Taako shouted back. “We won! She said yes! I can leave this hellhole!”

“Er.” said the donkey. “You have to- to help them, first, she was very clear on that-”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Taako said. “Merle, you’re a cleric. Get rid of them.”

Merle beamed, and fished out a tattered paperback from the pocket of his filthy coat. The words emblazoned across the front - _EXTREME TEEN BIBLE_ \- glowed with a holy light (that strongly resembled a blacklight, now that Merle thought about it) as he began to chant something that sounded less like a holy prayer to Pan and more like the words ‘get out of my swamp’ over and over again. Muffled ‘who’s a good boy? _Who’s a good boy?_ ’ noises accompanied him as Magnus celebrated his victory in style.

Two of the zombies turned to watch him, clearly curious about the grody old man shouting at them.

Nothing else of import happened.

“What was that supposed to do, sir?” the donkey asked, politely.

One of the zombies who had borne witness to Merle’s terrible failure got up and crossed over to them, wincing as every step they took made an audible sucking noise. Their head had been taken clean off by something, and they carried it with them now, resting in the crook of their arm.

“We’re already dead,” they said. “Sorry.”

Merle sniffed. “Sorry to break it to you, pal, but that spell was _for_ the undead. I dunno what you are, but you’re not dead.”

“No,” the zombie said patiently, “I mean, we’re dead. Not _undead_. All of us died, but our souls just… stuck around.”

“I’ve… never heard of this,” said Merle. “Are you all liches or something?”

“No,” said Taako. “I know what a lich looks like.”

“See a lot of liches, do you?” snarked the rebar salesman.

“My _sister_ is a lich, asshole,” said Taako. “You might’ve heard of her?”

“The head of the Department of Defence is a _what?_ ”

“Whoops!” Taako said. “That was a secret, wasn’t it? Anyway, Merle, what’s your expert opinion on these weirdos?”

“I think this might be above my pay grade,” said Merle. “Grab Magnus. Let’s go see Lucretia.”


	3. k. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? Barry? Adam? Can you believe this is happening? I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up this whole fic is merle-heavy because i love this shitty old man and i'm real bitter about how he's always left out

The streets of Duloc were clogged with the dying, the dead, and the angry when they arrived. Lines of people waiting for medical care wound out of the doors of hospitals and around corners, meeting in the middle of the city like a rat king with a penchant for verbal abuse.

“What the fuck _happened_ here,” said Magnus, skirting around a blackened corpse and nearly shitting himself in fright when it sat up and swore at him. “We would’ve heard if there was a disaster, right?”

“We haven’t had any calls in the past few months,” Taako said, contemplatively. “Not even from Lup.”

He fell silent as they passed another crowd of people - ancient old crones, with blue rinses through their hair to match their wrinkled, blue-tinted skin. One of them winked at him.

Magnus’ mouth twisted unhappily as they got closer to the city centre, dodging around masses of injured people.

“We should’ve stayed,” he said quietly, as a man with a comically large, hoof-shaped indent in his face shuffled backwards in the line and waved them through. Somewhere in the crowd, a baby started to cry.

Merle grimaced sympathetically at a woman with a tree branch through her stomach. “Whatever this is, it looks natural,” he said. “We couldn’t’ve done much.”

“You can’t rip the arms off an earthquake, babe,” Taako said, in a rare display of sympathy. “Come on. It’s just up here.”

Magnus sighed. “I know where the council chambers are, Taako.”

“So why are you walking the other way?”

“I just- someone over there is bleeding, I thought-”

Merle followed his gaze. “She’s dead, champ,” he said. “That’s a zombie now.”

“Oh.” Magnus sucked at his teeth. “That’s gonna get confusing.”

“Come _on._ ” Taako started up the steps.

The doorman let them in with a vacant smile and a nod and then an “Oh, shit, you guys are back!”

“Avi, my _man!_ ” Magnus enthusiastically fistbumped him. “What’s shaking? Other than, y’know, the whole disaster thing.”

Avi scanned the lobby for eavesdroppers, then leaned in close. “Pringles got _busted_. Drug test came back positive.”

“No shit?”

“He claims he ate a poppy-seed bagel before coming in, but no-one believes him. I heard the Director is _this close_ to firing him.”

Merle shuffled in close. “Where does he live? We should go, er, offer our condolences.”

“Definitely, definitely,” Taako said. “Maybe take some of those _poppy-seed bagels_ off his hands. They’re obviously bad for him.”

“If you four are done gossiping,” Carey said dryly, tapping Avi on the shoulder and scaring the shit out of him, “the Director is waiting.”

“Lead the way, sweetcheeks,” said Taako, gesturing with his umbrella. “And tell _no-one_ about the bagels.”

Carey waved them into one of the elevators that stood ready at the far end of the lobby. “Only if you share,” she said.

The elevator doors closed, cutting off the sight of her grinning face, and Magnus jabbed at the row of buttons on the side, praying that they wouldn’t be squishy or flesh-like. Upsy had a bad habit of switching shafts when you least expected it, and always seemed to get him alone.

The buttons, thankfully, were smooth plastic this time, and when the elevator moved, it shuddered like a normal metal-box-on-wires and not like a sentient flesh container with a poor sense of humour.

Faint strains of cheerful violin music floated down from the speakers. The lights flickered gently.

“You know,” Taako said, “no-one seems to be that upset about this disaster. I’d expected more panicking, if I’m honest.”

Magnus perked up. “Yeah, Avi didn’t seem fussed at _all_.”

The elevator _ding_ ed, and spat them out into a short, softly-lit corridor with a single door at the end. The plaque on the door proclaimed ‘DIRECTOR’S OFFICE’ in tiny, gilded letters. They gleamed as Magnus pushed the door open.

“Thank _g_ _od_ ,” Lucretia said. “Have a seat.”

Merle made a big deal out of struggling into one of the human-sized chairs lined up in front of Lucretia’s desk.

Lucretia rolled her eyes at him - and Magnus thought he saw the corner of her mouth twitch, briefly - but she got down to business the second Merle's dramatics had finished.

“Death’s gone,” she said. “You need to find him and bring him back.”

“Death’s _what_ ,” said Magnus.

“Death is a natural biological process,” said Merle. “It can’t just up and _leave_.”

Lucretia sighed. “The Grim Reaper, then. The entity that collects souls _after_ death has… well, happened. The one assigned to the kingdom of Duloc has gone missing.”

Taako wrinkled his nose thoughtfully. “Why haven’t you asked Barry or Lup? _They’re_ the necromantic power-couple.”

“Barry can tell me his name - Kravitz - and that he’s somewhere on the material plane, but neither he nor Lup can tell me anything else without getting too close to the Raven Queen to go unnoticed. And you _know_ what the Raven Queen does with liches.”

“Huh.” Taako did not, actually, know what the Raven Queen did with liches, but he figured it was probably unpleasant.

“So, uh,” Magnus started, “what about the disaster?”

Lucretia blinked at him. “What?”

“The, you know, _thing_ that killed everyone outside.”

“Magnus.” Lucretia leaned forward, propping her chin on her clasped hands. “Magnus, do you know how many people die every week in Duloc?”

Magnus fidgeted. “Uh. Two, maybe? Three?”

“A hundred. A hundred people a week, from accidents, and old age, and being scared of doctors. That’s your fault, Merle, by the way.”

Merle - ostensible head of the Department of Health - pretended not to hear her.

Lucretia eyed all three of them. “Kravitz has been missing for _six months_ ,” she said. “How many people do you think have died since then? How many people do you think have been injured since then, only to die of their injuries because the hospitals are full? This _is_ the disaster, and I need you three to fix it before Duloc becomes a necropolis.”

The room fell silent.

Magnus coughed.

“Soooo,” he said. “We, uh, goin’ on a quest then? Tres Horny Boys on the road, just like old times?”

The tension broke, and Merle started to laugh.

“Shit, man,” he said. “I thought you’d never ask.”

“I want the dog, though,” Magnus said abruptly, turning back to Lucretia. “We do this, you let us keep Trevor, like you told the, uh, the donkey.”

“Ugh, fine.” Lucretia waved them off. “Get out of here.”


End file.
